Yes, last week was a big week and I didn't do the Wrap Up. But I told y'all ahead of time that I was gonna miss it. It was unavoidable. I was on a plane to Panama. Here, look. I took this picture of a roadside commode.
Yup. Panama needs no instagram filters. It looks perpetually sepia all year long. Anyhow, TNT was nice enough to put me up down there and let me visit the set of The Rock's new reality series, The Hero. And then I spoke to The Rock and talked to him about John Cena. But hell, you don't need to hear any of this s*** from me. Rock was back on RAW last night and he talked about Panama and John Cena. So it's pretty much like you were there all with me. The irony of all this though is that I'm the one who went to Central America and IGN TV Executive Editor Eric Goldman is the one who got food poisoning. I totally Tomax'd him!
So here's a quick rundown of last week. Perhaps even with a few bullet points for extra pointedness.
- Triple H didn't effing piss his jeans, everyone. Yes, it's funny to look at, but it's just the unfortunate side effect of massive ballsack sweat. (See: Anything I've written about the poor bastards, especially Luke Gallows, in Aces & Eights who have to wrestle in non-black jeans)
- WWE proves that ANYTHING the mainstream media can say about their product, be it supportive or absolutely scathing, is considered a boon. And I'm using the term "mainstream" a little loosely here too. It's just funny that this time around, with regards to Swagger and Zeb, it's the ultra-conservatives bashing Vince. This is like that Ouroboros symbol of the snake eating its own tail. Representing the cyclicality of all things. By the way, pretty soon Zeb's mustache is going to wrap around and consume itself too. Anyhow, the most interesting thing to come out of this other than the WWE trying desperately to get Glenn Beck on their TV was the video invite Zeb did to Beck that broke kayfabe and referred to himself and Jack as characters. Which is fine except that I think the criticisms being lobbed at WWE are along the lines of "these are BAD CHARACTERS." (See: The thing I wrote about Swagger and Zeb a few weeks back when I said that this entire thing was a horrible idea)
- Cena did a hurricanrana on Punk and people s*** themsevles. It wasn't pretty BECAUSE CENA, but it also wasn't the first time he'd done it. It was the first time he did it on TV though, so those who didn't see him hurri Ziggler through a table last fall got to experience the clumsy magic for the first time. However, this WAS the first piledriver in many many years. And it was gorgeous.
- Also, CM Punk and Layla got married you guys!
My favorite part of that wrestling wedding is that the bride and groom are reasonably fit and attractive people in detailed cosplay while the rest of the guests look like knockoff wrestler toys. They should be the ones most committed though, I suppose. Props to the Razor guy for wearing the IC title too. Also, I had a chorus or people shouting "YES!" at me on my wedding day too, but it was later on. At night. During "the sex."
One more thing. I had my picture taken with The Rock. And he was really cool. But I'm not posting it on here because I tweeted it and then people online were all mean and were like, "You think you're so special!" Well, you know what? I am special! I've had three court-appointed psychiatrists testify as much!
The Undertaker made his return last night, and while things didn't go down the way the a-hole fantasy booker within me would have liked them to go down, Punk vs. Taker is set for 'Mania. The story might not play out the way I think it should, being so special and all, but the end result will probably be a great match. At least the WWE is trying to figure out a way to make Punk look strong(er?) after losing three big matches in a row. Because that's going to be the problem here, especially considering the fact that he's set up to lose another big PPV match to Taker. So last night, even though Orton, Sheamus and Show, as of Smackdown, all looked like they were the three who'd take on The Shield at 'Mania, they had Punk win with no Shield interference. So again, it's not the way I would have had Punk challenge Taker...
Yes, Taker's still got his hair short. And he's still wearing that Durmstrang Potions Professor/Super Shredder/Dildopolis robe. But I'd like to compliment those few out there who brought up Megamind. It's about time we added a new face to the internet mock sack.
So Punk won clean, without even Cole or Lawler saying that "he stole one." And Sheamus, Orton and Show will likely face The Shield. which would mean a semi-face turn for Show. Who I could have sworn was on some sort of collision course with Booker T. Also, Ryback is out? Ryback is somehow out of the Shield mix, having never once gotten a win over them? This is all highly irregular. Like my BMs.
Punk probably won't end Taker's streak, but I think we'll see the most split crowd for an Undertaker 'Mania match yet. Yes, more split than HBK or Triple H. I think they'll be quite a few "20-1" signs out there in the Jersey crowd. If The Rock doesn't get a pass from Punk fans then there's no way Taker will. I know he's more revered in the industry than Rock at this point, but Punk fans are rabid and frothy, and consist of a million pissed off geeky-meta-hipsters, one old man at a liquor store who got shot in the eye and one cute girl who Touts. Also, what are we to think of Cena probably beating The Rock in NJ? Are we going to get a 'Mania that ends in a giant, booming chorus of "booooos?" Rock's not heel, so he'll still be way over Cena. Unless...Rock turns heel at 'Mania. Shield comes in. Rock retains. Done. Cena loses again. Gets revenge at Extreme Rules. Double done. Yes, my propensity for getting my hopes up only to inevitably suffer crushing disappointment is so potent that it should be considered a default virtue at this point.
Ziggler, Miz, Flair and Social Media Smackdown on page 2...
Source : ign[dot]com
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