Regular visitors to IGN will know we recently launched the real estate section of our site*, and since then a number of you have expressed an interest in buying a holiday house. If that's you, I have five words for you: a cabin in the woods.
Now, before I go any further, it's worth mentioning that it's a seller's market right now, so many of the properties available are in urgent need of upkeep. Still, what's a little infestation of wall bleed or rising dead against all that tranquillity?
Let's take a look at our Top 5 cabin getaways on the market right now, from best to worst. Or is that worst to best?
*Not really.
[Be warned: spoilers ahead!]
Camp Crystal Lake, Friday the 13th
Cabin Description:
'This legendary Summer Camp is nestled in 380+ acres in Blairstown, New Jersey, and has been closed since 1958. A string of plumbing, health and safety, general maintenance, bad water and wildfire issues have prevented it from opening again. Nothing in any way suspicious, of course.'
Location to civilization:
Close enough to Blairstown if driving, but a tough slog on foot.
Comfort rating:
No outdoor lighting whatsoever make lanterns and candles an annoying must. Cabins themselves have barely been renovated since the late '50s despite some slap-dash efforts. Walls are bare and uninsulated. Cheap light fittings, poorly made bathrooms and outdated decor set a bleak tone. Wooded area nearby should NOT be ventured into at night; holes, jagged tree stumps and wet and slippery embankments abound. Surreptitious amount of blood on mattresses, but otherwise beds are adequate. Archery range and boatshed stand forgotten. Lake is tranquil, which is a plus for solo night swimming.
Overall:
5/10
Cabin Description:
'The aptly named ‘Eden’ is the perfect place for couples to get away from it all! A unique getaway unlike any other cabin you might have visited in the past, Eden sits on the rolling hills of a forty-acre forest and offers scenic views of the surrounding lush woodland. Keep an eye out for cheeky wildlife! Gorgeous turn-of-the-century furniture and fittings will add to that magical experience you and your loved one will cherish forever.'
Location to civilization:
Hard to tell, considering the cabin itself is likely a psychosexual manifestation.
Comfort Rating:
Difficult to sleep considering all the acorns and hail that keep pelting the roof. Perhaps avoid taking companions across the nearby footbridge; some seem to have unusually visceral reactions to it. Cabin itself is nice enough, if a little rustic, but has a serious problem with ticks. Difficult to hold onto sanity in immediately surrounding area, but talking animals may provide some entertainment for the kids.
Overall:
4.5/10
Cabin Description:
'RURAL SOUTHWEST ALABAMA: What bear wouldn't want to hibernate in this Premium Vacation Rental? An Authentic Log Cabin, this cosy little nook has everything you’ll need for a weekend getaway, including fridge freezer, kitchen dining area, brick fireplace, two bedrooms and bathtub and shower. Close to a convenience store and charming river, this delightful ‘yesteryear’ villa has everything you need for that perfect getaway!'
Location to civilization:
There's a nearby General Store managed by local racists.
Comfort rating:
Little thought seems to have been given to the décor and the place smells neglected. Antique plank floors and authentic log construction makes for a not entirely unhomely environment, but this is undermined by the bathtub and basin, both clogged with foul smelling liquefied human viscus. Nearby shed houses unspeakable gore. Drinking water tastes a little funny, so a portable purifier is recommended.
Overall:
3/10
Curt's Cousin's Place, Cabin in the Woods
Cabin Description:
'This single-storied civil-war-era country home may be rustic, but its simple appearance belies a Good Ol' Fashioned All-American interior that will warm your cockles! Surrounded by a picturesque lake and lush greenery, you’ll be embracing YOUR pioneer spirit after one night in this cozy cabin.'
Location to civilization:
There's a nearby gas station manned by sexist rednecks.
Comfort rating:
Unnerving artwork will likely frighten youngsters, and one-way-mirrors in the bedrooms may cause embarrassment if staying with platonic members of the opposite sex. Decor is more '70s than pioneer, although antlers and animal heads provide some color. Hidden cameras are a serious breach of privacy and should be reported. Cellar will likely open up a gateway to your own personal hell, so despite any unusual urge to go down there, avoidance of the area is recommended.
Overall:
1/10
'The Cabin', The Evil Dead, The Evil Dead II
'A rustic two-bedroom cabin with a spacious lounge area located in the mountain area near Morristown, Tennessee. Charming ‘70s-style interior, including open fireplace and fully-functional kitchen and bathroom. An outdoor patio with swingseat makes for a pleasingly romantic exterior. Access via a ‘character bridge’ makes that trip extra exciting for kids and adults alike! You may never want to leave!'
Location to civilization:
Miles away from anywhere. Bridge has subsequently been removed, making the trip there convoluted and confusing.
Comfort rating:
Furniture (mostly '60s era) and other trappings have a tendency to laugh which is off-putting. The fruit cellar’s (not listed in description!) pipes and electrical fittings leak a sticky, red substance of unknown origin. Clocks tend to run backwards and window shutters open and close violently without human prompting. Mirrors liquidy. Local trees sexually aggressive. Previous tenants may want to eat your soul during your stay, so check it upon leaving.
Overall:
0/10.
Lucy O'Brien is Assistant Editor at IGN AU. Follow her ramblings on IGN at Luce_IGN_AU, or @Luceobrien on Twitter. And hey, come hang out with the whole Aussie team on Facebook while you're at it!
Source : ign[dot]com
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